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Sep 2, 2003
Out of Sorts continued

So sometime on Friday I was talking to JP and all of a sudden the out of sorts feeling vanished.  I was back to my old self.  I dont understand where it went or why it was here.  Then we had a very nice weekend.  Today is going well.  I dont have the same out of sorts feeling but I find myself wondering sometimes about what I do feel or actually dont feel.  I go home for lunch every day and JP meets me there because we work so close to home.  And on my way home I wonder how I am feeling.  I always like to see him but I dont get excited to see him.  I think that is because we spend so much time together.  I wonder what it would be like if I didnt see him for a week.  That is when I would really understand my feelings for him.  I love sleeping next to him though.  I would miss that in one night I know it.  And it is cool that we enjoy just hanging out. He is my best friend with perks!  And BOY to I love the perks!  I guess I have always compared my feelings and relationships to those of others and I need to get it through my head that I am an individual and how I feel and act is going to be different than everyone else.  It is a different situation though because I am the one with the house and the car.  I am the bread winner who is financally secure where he struggles.  I dont really have a problem with this though I encourage him to get a job in a field that he likes even if it requires some schooling.  He is always worried about the money part though.   He came from a poor family and I came from a family who didnt have a lot of money but had more than him.  He has a very bad family life too.  He doesnt feel as though he belongs.  I want to be there for him and help create the family he always wanted.  Or help him feel like he is now a part of my family.  Its too soon for us to have kids obviously and we are even undecided about having them.  I dont want to until we are married and we agree on that.   We talk about everything.  Where was I going with this.  Oh yeah, so I think JP is not happy with himself because of his current station in life.  The women he has dated in the past were at or below where he is now here I come making more money then he ever has with all my shit together and it makes him not happy with himself.  He makes me want to be a better person and I know I do the same to him.  I just hope he doesnt think that in order to be better he has to make more money than me.  I just want him to do something that he enjoys and if he gets paid, GREAT!  If not, and he is doing what he wants to do GREAT!  Money isnt everything.  So there it is.  We come from two completely different worlds and end up in the same one.  I wonder if two people who are so different yet so the same can make it work.  We shall see.  Sorry for the ramble.  I have really no idea what i just said or if it even had a point.

Posted at 03:59 pm by WannaBVaughn
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Aug 29, 2003
New Relationship

I just needed someplace to write some feelings and this seemed like the place.

I have recently started a new relationship.  Actually I met him almost 3 months ago now.  We have been dating for 2. It has moved incredible fast.  When I first met JP I was actually interested in his friend Jamie.  We started seeing each other but that was a doomed relationship from the first converstation.  I had JUST ended a 9 month relationship with another guy and new that Jamie was the rebound because for me there always is a rebound I regret later.  Anyway, I asked JP to come over and we just hung out and had the BEST time I have ever had with anyone accept my best friend Jim whom I have known since forever.  So this was all very new to have such a good time as just friends.  We hung out the next night and each time he came over he stayed till like 3 in the morning.  And each time he came over it got harder and harder for him to leave.  I didnt want him to leave and he didnt want to leave.  Then I asked him to go with me to this concert and we had a blast ( still as friends ).  This was the point at which I began to feel something more than friends, even though I was the one who kept calling him.  So anyway, we went out to dinner like the next night and I believe that was our first actual date.  We had dinner and laughed and just talked.  I was still kind of seeing his friend too but since I had always had guy friends it wasnt wierd to be hanging out with JP on just  friendly basis.  Until the concert then dinner the next day.  I new I had to end it with Jamie because I really wanted to be with JP.  Sunday night JP and I were just sitting out side and he had his arm around me ( the first move he made because we had expressed interest in each other) then he tried to kiss me but I wanted to call it off with Jamie before I did ANYTHING with JP.  So I said not until I tell Jamie.  So it was a long night of not kissing but I finally gave in.  It didnt go beyond a kiss and boy was it nice.  So anyway, the next day I called it off with Jamie and was free to see JP.  JP and I have been together ever since.  He actually has moved in with me now.  I know it has been very very fast but it has all felt so comfortable and right.  Untill about 3 days ago that is.  All of a sudden I am feeling out of sorts.  I say that because I have no better explanation for it and reason for it at all.  Just last weekend on Saturday I didnt want to go to the Packer game because I didnt want to be away from him all day!  Then all of a sudden on Tuesday I started to feel...out of sorts.  I cant even determine what it is.  I dont want him to leave, I dont want to break up, but there is something that I cant figure out.  I know that this has all gone very fast and that is the only thing I can think of.  I am a very closed person emotionally, not cold or anything just private.  And I have always had a difficult time with committed relationships.  My last relationship lasted almost 9 months and that is the longest relationship in my 26 years.  I have a tendency to get nervouse around the 3 month mark for some reason.    I dont want to end up an old spinster just because I wasnt able to committ.  I dont know why I am like this.  I am a very independent financialy secure woman and I dont have that "need" for a man in my life because I am able to survive comfortable on my own.  I am just so afraid that is going to get in my way of being happy because I never find someone good enough. 

If I had to write down on a piece of paper what my ideal match would be JP would match to a tee.  We still have differences which you need to have but everything else is there.  I just dont understand where this out of sorts feeling is coming from.

List of stresses for the week:
- New Relationship
- Best friend leaving for indefinite period of time for unknown location
- money ( I can pay the bills but keep dipping into the savings which is freaking me out a bit)
- Out of sorts feeling
- not enough time for puppy, house, and boyfriend

I love JP.  He is the first guy I have ever told that to.  I think I could spend the rest of my life with him.  I want to have his children.  I have even tried out his name with mine ( which is not an uncommon thing for women to do) and it sounds GOOD.  I want to marry him.  Then why do I feel like this today? And the last couple of days.  UGH I dont like it and I want to know what it is!  There are so many things going on at this point in time that I dont know what to blame it on.  Maybe it is the whole lot of the things all thrown together.   Maybe it is because I dont know how to open up to someone.  I need to talk to JP.  But the last thing I want to do is tell him over the phone I want to talk because that is the starting line for a LOT of breakups.  Oh well.  I will talk to him later.  I will write more on Tuesday when I get back to work and have access to my pc.

Posted at 01:27 pm by WannaBVaughn
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